Why duty is draining you (and what to replace it with)

Why do you do what you do?

I know that’s a broad question, so I’ll sharpen the focus a little more.

What I mean is as a mother or father, a husband or wife? Homeschooler? Volunteer or pastor in your church? Why do you do these things?

Is it out of duty?

Do you feel like you must do what you do in service to those who are around you?

Do you have a choice?

Are you doing it to earn your way into heaven?

To gain a prize? A crown? Get rich?

You have a strong sense of duty. But should duty be what motivates us to action?

Years ago, Leslie brought to my attention a little verse in a letter in Scripture that, for most of you, only takes up a page in your Bibles. I have never forgotten it.

“And some having compassion, making a difference.” (Jude 22) KJV

Admittedly, this is one of the few verses in the Bible in which other English translations sound a good bit different, but they aren’t. They all say basically the same thing: 

Compassion compels us to save others and care for them when they can’t help themselves. (Read it for yourselves in your own Bible, Jude 22-24)

Basically, compassion motivates one to save someone else from the pain and fear that plagues them.

Once Leslie brought the element of compassion to my attention, I began to see it throughout the miracles and the narrative in Scripture. It’s what motivated Jesus Christ. It motivated God the Father.

This is the motivation that led Jesus Christ to stop and teach the multitude, then feed them in the Feeding of the 5,000. (I talk more about that and the other lessons on parenting within this miracle. Check that out here.)

I don’t think we give compassion enough focus.

In this world and in our lives, we have all kinds of motivators.

Duty because we feel obligated.

Guilt because we don’t want to do something, and we feel bad for it.

Earning a prize.

Obligation because someone paid us or did something that now requires us to perform our side of the transaction.

If we are honest with ourselves, we are motivated more by these emotions than we want to admit. And the reason we are reluctant to admit that these emotions are more prominent than we say is that we know they are superficial. They are transactional and forcing. We feel like we don’t have a choice.

And, because these emotions are superficial, I’ll tell you that they don’t make a difference the way compassion does.

Not just in the person that we do the thing for, but also within our own hearts.

Honestly, we are just glad that our act of service is over. 

Now, in Scripture, compassion is used interchangeably with mercy, and mercy is closely related to grace. It is mercy and compassion that motivated God to redeem us. It’s mercy and compassion that kept Jesus on the Cross, and it’s mercy and compassion that emanated from Jesus when he performed his miracles.

And yes, this compassion was unmerited, meaning that it was grace. None of us deserves this compassion.

Compassion like this is transformative. It does make a difference, and few things imitate God more than compassion.

And, it was compassion for the people’s suffering that moved Nehemiah to action (Neh. 1).

Often, we get confused.

We think of sympathy and compassion as the same. They are not.

Sympathy is a statement, but compassion is felt. In sympathy, you may say from a distance that you are sorry for the trouble that someone is going through, but you are not necessarily motivated to do anything about it. 

Compassion is different! That’s why it makes a difference.

With compassion, you feel the pain and anguish that the person is experiencing. You hurt the same way they hurt. You have sorrow similar to their sorrow.

Nehemiah, when he heard of the dire circumstances of his people, sat down and mourned and wept for days. And then he prayed, asking forgiveness for the people’s sins and even for his own, which had caused their trouble.

Nehemiah didn’t just say, “I am so sorry for your pain.” Or, the one that I believe all of us are guilty of, including myself, “I will pray for you,” (but then forget once we walk away). That is sympathy.

For days, Nehemiah hurt as they hurt.

He feared as they feared.

He felt what they felt.

And, he had to do something about it. His compassion compelled him to make a difference.

Compassion is what causes people who love the Lord to reach beyond themselves. Get out of their comfort zone.

And, compassion does make a difference in you and in those you help.

Transactions, duty, they pull from your energy.

Compassion feeds you.

There are few things more fulfilling in this world than helping people, including your children and husband/wife, from a place of compassion.

Compassion is a gift to us, not a burden.

It should be the reason we parent. The reason we homeschool. The reason we cook and feed our family. The reason we disciple and mentor others. 

Compassion fulfills needs on both sides of the equation. And, it is a gift and energizer for parenthood and marriage.

Duty, transaction, and obligation all lead at some point to resentment. Compassion leads to joy.

When your children or husband ask for help or come to you with problems, do you get irritated? Frustrated? Do you even resent it? Do you start your day or week feeling pretty good, but then by the end, you are irritated?

The core problem is not exhaustion. The core issue is that you need a re-orientation.

I am not saying that you shouldn’t get some rest, or personal time, or quiet. Go ahead and take some time. However, if you want to really solve your frustration or irritation, I encourage you to pray for compassion.

Your ability to serve effectively depends on your compassion. The more compassion you have, the more difference you can make in the lives of those around you.

Compassion is the key!